Along for the RIde

As I sat crocheting tonight, listening to the worship playlist for tomorrow morning, my heart was heavy. Eight months ago I embarked on a journey to find my identity outside of my voice. I gave up singing for four months. I sang on Sundays during church, but that was it. I didn’t sing in my room, I didn’t go the chapel to sing by myself, and I certainly did not sing in public. This journey was painful. It was hard, at first, to not have anyone realize my background in music. Sure, I could name stats and present my resume, but the Choir of the West and eight years of voice training mean nothing if people don’t ever hear you actually sing. My heart and soul were in agony because a part of my life was dying, and it was dying by my choice. I desperately wanted people to know that part of me, but I had to stop to ask myself why that was so important. I realized that I wanted people to know I was good. When I heard people sing and/or talk about their past choir/worship/musical theat...

“Will you still love me if _______ doesn’t work out?” Questions like these sound a lot like God. We talk to our Christian brothers and sisters and we say things like, “I really felt God asking me, ‘Am I enough for you?’” And we tell each other about the conviction we felt when we heard God ask that question. We reflect and say things like, “God just showed me that I was placing ______ above my relationship with God. I’m really gonna pray and do better.” We think that this is normal. We have been taught that this is how God works. Here’s my real question, is that God? Does God do that? Is God manipulative like that? Does God plant a question in our hearts to make us feel guilty, or does God coax us closer by calls of love and redemption? Friends, I think we’ve believed a lie. Ben Rector said it best when he sang, “Sometimes the devil sounds a lot like Jesus telling me I’m not enough.” The devil certainly does sound a lot like Jesus. The devil, evil, whatever you want to c...

The snow is falling here in Princeton. It's always beautiful when it snows. The snow here can turn any bad day into a magical day. Maybe it's because I'm from the west coast where snow isn't really snow, and where architecture is all new and modern, but something about seeing exquisite buildings covered in a white blanket makes me feel like everything can be right with the world again. I pulled up my wonderful lounge chair to sit in front of my window and cuddle under a blanket, while looking at the beautiful magic being created before my eyes. It's peaceful and soothing. Two things I have desperately needed in the last two months or so.  A lot has changed since I last wrote a blog, and I could spend all of my time updating you on the goings on in my life, but that would just be monotonous, and not at all what I wanted the subject of this blog to be about. Hopefully, you will be able to see some of the changes God has so faithfully brought to my life through the c...

I should fairly warn you: This post is long and it’s not uplifting, but it is honest. So read only if you are prepared for an ending that doesn’t feel like an ending because this is an ongoing thing and it will only be resolved in time. I went out for a run today for the first time in almost two months. The air was freezing and I have so many other things I could be doing, but I decided that today was the day to get myself back on track. I knew that I needed to go to the battlefield, which is my longer run, and a route I would normally save for when I’ve been exercising regularly. As I started running, I looked for any excuse I could find to allow me to turn back. When the air started to make my asthma flair up, I wanted to quit. I wanted to stop sucking in air that cut my lungs like shards of glass, but I kept going. Then, when I’d completed 1 mile and my app told me my average pace and how long it’d taken me to get this far, I wanted to turn back. My time was less than stell...

I spent half my week working on an exegetical paper for Mark 3:31-35. 31  And his mother and his brothers came, and standing outside they sent to him and called him.  32  And a crowd was sitting around him, and they said to him, “Your mother and your brothers [and your sisters] are outside, seeking you.”  33  And he answered them, “Who are my mother and my brothers?”  34  And looking about at those who sat around him, he said,“Here are my mother and my brothers!  35  For whoever does the will of God, he is my brother and sister and mother.” We were asked to look into four different aspects of this section but there is one that stood out to me most: the theology and truth Christ spoke into my heart through studying this passage. Jesus introduces this radical new idea of family.   The blood family unit is no longer the core foundation for what it means to be family.   Jesus experiences aliena...